Day 1

November 24, 2004.

We can’t stop smiling. Even as I type this, Husband stops every so often just to flash me a wide smile. We have always wanted you, and we have always loved you, and we always will. Even when you wear excessive amounts of black eyeliner, listen to punk rock – or whatever is in fashion – too loud, or smoke pot behind the barn with your buddies, we will love you. I’m not saying you won’t be grounded sometimes. I’m not saying we won’t want to kill you or ship you off to you grandparents’ sometimes. But we’ll always, always love you.

Five months ago we decided to try in earnest to make a little person out of the two of us. For a couple of medical reasons, it made sense for us to try early. My mom had very difficult pregnancies and my doctor attributes part of that to her having lupus and being 30. So 23 seemed old enough to me. But mostly, we were just excited and in love. And that’s what happens. You get married and you let God do his work, you let miracles happen.

For a few months, I thought it wasn’t working. I had resigned myself to waiting years, or even adopting. I had a few glasses of wine and a couple cups of coffee. I didn’t think it mattered. But I did feel a little nauseous in the morning for three days in a row after we made love at the beginning of the month. At first I thought it could be a sign, but then it disappeared. Then I had to pee really badly – immediately! – every few hours for a few weeks. Looking back, it seems obvious, and I think maybe I did know. But I didn’t accept it. I was just sure pregnancy wasn’t working for me.

I even had a drink LAST NIGHT (but I’m not going to kill myself over it). About a week ago, my breasts got tender the way they do every month before my period. So I believed we hadn’t conceived. But my cycle – usually 28 to 31 days – wore on, and it was day 30, day 31, day 32. What? Day 32? I had never had a day 32. And last night I cried in the shower. I cried over something I normally wouldn’t cry about. And I thought then, “Could it be?”

When I got up for my nightly pee, I ripped open the stick (I had to go immediately!) and peed on it. Two lines came up immediately. I checked the directions. I mean, I knew exactly what I was looking at but I checked the directions.

And then I asked Husband to come look at this right now. He thought I was talking about a bug. Apparently I said it in the same urgent voice I use when there’s a spider I need him to dispose of creeping up the wall.

I showed him the two lines. It took aminute. It registered. His face shone.

“We’re pregnant?!?” he said.

“Yup,” I said, which is just what I said when he asked me to marry him.

And then I jumped into his arms.

I am all smiles, but it still hasn’t sunk in.

It just so happens that Husband’s parents are staying with us and my parents came into town just tonight. Even though we earlier had planned not to tell them until the second trimester, that flew out the window. I just figured they’re here in our home on this day for a reason.

On a walk through the back trails, Husband brought up Christmas. He said to his parents, “So are you still just giving the kids money and the grandkids gifts?” Mom In Law went through her rationale for the system. Then Husband said, “What about potential grandchildren?” She paused. We walked about ten more steps and she said, “Are you trying to tell us something?”

“Yes.”

My father in law cried.

A couple years ago, I sat at the kitchen table in my parents’ house talking to my dad about marrying Husband. Without prompting, he ticked off a couple of names we could call our kids.

“Rob Emmerich would be a good wide receiver,” he said. “Bill Emmerich would be a good linebacker.”

I laughed – the possibility of having a baby was surreal, far beyond where I was at 19 years. I was a girl deciding to be a woman, deciding to commit myself to someone. Tonight, we handed my parents their Chanukah gifts, a book about being a Grandma and one about being a Grandpa.

They were happy. I guess that’s what marrying your kids off really means to you – more kids.

It was warming and sweet to be surrounded by the people who made us tonight as we’re just getting underway making another little person who will one day have the same confused, joyful feelings we’re having right this moment.

HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER!