Get Me a Cake

December 1, 2004

Two things I didn’t expect about pregnancy: the crying and the lying. How very Dr. Seuss.

Lucas had just showed up at Brooke’s door to find her making out with the new guy in town on One Tree Hill when all of a sudden it hit me. It really being a they. The hormones, that is. But anyway, it hit me: I was alone. Conrad had slipped home late from work, spent an hour with a racist roofer, wolfed down dinner and then escaped to study all night. And now it was ten o’clock and my baby and I had to go to bed. And so I started crying.

Partly it was because I missed Conrad, even though he was in the next room and I could easily have flipped the TV off and brought Beyond Jennifer & Jason into the kitchen. I worried he would prioritize school and work over the baby and me because he loves school and work so much. And partly it was because I’m alone in this. My body is solely responsible for creating this baby from here on out, and I am responsible for making sure it goes right, but I have no idea how to do that.

But mostly, it was the hormones. Pregnancy: It’s like PMS, but with crying.

Upon further thinking, I remember how proud I am of Conrad and how he is cramming in several weeks worth of studying right now because he has spent so much time with family in the last few weeks and because we are leaving tomorrow to go spend more family time in Minnesota.

The other grain of truth remains: I don’t know what to do.

This happened to me when I was getting married, too. "My God," I thought, "There is so much involved in getting married I have GOT to start doing something now." So for nearly a year, I obsessed over all the details, making myself crazy instead of savoring each moment of our engagement.

I’m not saying it didn’t work out. Our wedding was beautiful and I do remember several beautiful things about being engaged, but I bet I could have spared myself the three-month bout of not being able to eat anything but bread products had I just CHILLED OUT a bit.

Now I find myself thinking, "My God, there is so much involved in making a baby I have GOT to start doing something now." My obsession has landed on the baby name search, which I suppose is a decent place to start.

There were two instances today in which I had to outright lie to people who I like and respect – once it was to my boss. I have a doctor’s appointment, my first one, on Monday, and he asked me if I’m feeling all right. I said yes and he said why am I going to the doctor and I said just a check up. See how easy that was. Just lying to my boss’ face!

After that Jake asked me "What’s new?" This one happens a lot. I have to say, "Nothing much," when really I want to say, "I’m pregnant! I’m having a baby! Gush over me! Get me a cake!"