The backlog blogs I promised

November 29, 2004

For the past day and a half, I have been surfing the net on company time, flitting from message board to name Website to medical information page. And now I’m taking up more time writing about it.

This morning I got to work and nobody was here but my girl friend, S. This has never happened before – my boss and the news assistant always get here first – so I took it as a sign that S ought to know about the peanut. We talked about Thanksgiving, talked about our relatives, and then I said, "Okay, so I’m going to tell you now." And she just jumped out of her chair and started crying. I never even said it, just nodded and smiled.

Then she told me that C & I would be great parents. I love S. She always knows the right thing to say, and she always means it. I feel better knowing there’s someone in the office who can give me a wink or a knowing look across the room.

I’m tempted to buy a cute new tight shirt to show off my increased cleavage, but I know it won’t fit for long. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning and savored the skinniness. It’s going to go away, and I’m going to have to get used to that. But the most striking thing I see in the mirror is the lack of change. I don’t LOOK pregnant to me.

Already, I have overhauled my diet to make sure I’m feeding peanut well. I always feel a little sick halfway through breakfast, but I have been struggling through it. I want to make sure that I’m eating well now in case I start getting morning sickness later.

I have kicked into high obsession, planning budgets and reading up on thousands of names and brainstorming nursery themes. I need to figure out a way to calm down. I know this is my defense mechanism against not having control, not knowing what to do. I did the same thing before our wedding. I am going to try to put myself on a better time schedule, not picking cribs until the fourth or fifth month, not naming the baby until the sixth or seventh month. This is one of those times that will fly by looking back, but creep by while you’re living it. Looking back on these times, I always wish I would have let it go slowly, savoring every minute.

I’m going to try to do that.

Mostly, I can’t believe it yet.